WATCH IT! a Christmas Sketch for Skeptics

WATCH IT
    by Scot Bastian
​
ELFIE
(Singing in italics)
You better watch out
You better not cry--
 
SAM
—Wait! Wait! What’s wrong with crying? I mean, just ‘cause I’m male doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings too!
 
ELFIE
It’s just a song. The idea is you’re supposed to be happy.
 
SAM
I resent being told how I should feel. My feelings are my own.
 
ELFIE
Lemme start over.
You better watch out--
 
SAM
—What am I watching out for anyway?
 
ELFIE
Hold on, you’ll find out later in the song.
You better watch out.
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why--
 
SAM
—You’re awful pedantic, aren’t you?
 
ELFIE
(deep sigh)
Santa Claus is coming to town--
 
SAM
—Yeah, so what?
 
ELFIE
He knows when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake--
 
SAM
—Jesus! This guy have a camera in my bedroom? What a creep!
 
ELFIE
He knows when you been bad or good.
So be good for goodness sake.
 
SAM
Who the fuck does he think he is? Why is he the ultimate judge of bad and good? Sheesh!
 
ELFIE
Santa Claus is coming
Santa Claus is coming
Santa Claus is coming--
 
SAM
—Well, tell him to come already, I’m sick and tired of the foreplay!
 
ELFIE
Santa Claus is coming to town!
 
SAM
Sounds more intrusive than the NSA!
 
ELFIE
You really, don’t get the Christmas spirit, do you?
 
SAM
I’m gonna buy me a gun. I need protection from this guy.
 
ELFIE
Merry Christmas.