MISSING THE BOAT
By Scot Bastian (c) 2012
A One-Act Play
CAST OF CHARACTERS
UNI: Male unicorn, married to ANI. Any age.
ANI: Female unicorn, married to UNI. Any age.
BARNIE: Male Brontosaurus. Any age.
BENNIE: Male Brontosaurus. Any age.
A shoreline on the edge of the Island of Atlantis.
UNI: Okay, we’ve reached the ocean. What now?
ANI: I don’t know. I guess we wait.
UNI: Wait for what?
ANI: I don’t know.
UNI: Well, that’s two “I don’t knows.” Let me add an “I don’t know, either.” And let me add a little “What the fuck” on the side and how ‘bout
this addendum: “Standing around with our heads up our asses.” That mean anything to ya?
ANI: We’ll think of something.
UNI: And I might throw in that having your head up your ass when you’re a unicorn is not very comfortable.
ANI: Stop it! You’re supposed to be a marvelous, magical, mystical creature beloved by children and the young-at-heart everywhere. Act like it.
UNI: Well right now all I feel like is a horse’s ass.
ANI: Well, as a matter of fact--
UNI: —Don’t say it!
ANI: You know, your ranting and raving is getting us exactly nowhere. Why don’t you try thinking instead of whining?
UNI: I can whine if I damn well please. It wasn’t my stupid idea.
ANI: Can I help it if Atlantis is an island? Now shut up if you’re not going to think, so that I can.
UNI: Why I ever married you I’ll never know.
ANI: You married me because you love me…asshole.
UNI: I love it when you talk dirty to me.
ANI: Look, stud, we better come up with a solution, cause it’s damn hard to mount in twenty feet of water. Now think!
UNI: Okay. But before I start burning brain cells, explain to me again why we gotta go to this place.
ANI: I already told you twice.
UNI: Well, tell me a third time. I didn’t believe you the first two—try again, maybe my last shred of rationality will surrender and I’ll finally buy into your crazy story.
ANI: How are we going to make any progress if you continue to doubt my sanity? Have I ever led you astray?
UNI: Well…no. I’ll make you a deal. You explain this vision to me one more time, and I promise not to think you’ve eaten loco weed. Maybe if we analyze it a little more closely we’ll find a way out of this predicament. Make sense?
ANI: Okay. I don’t have any better ideas, so we might as well.
UNI: Finally, we agree on something.
ANI: Okay. There’s this guy named Noah--
UNI: —What a stupid name. What’s his last name, Count?
ANI: “No account.” Very funny. No, I don’t think he has a last name.
UNI: Why not?
ANI: I don’t know. Maybe he’s got a last name, but I don’t know what it is.
UNI: Okay, this Noah-guy—he’s the one who’s gonna make it rain. Right?
ANI: No! You really don’t listen to me, do you? God is going to make it rain.
UNI: God, huh? He’s going to do a rain dance? This is nuts.
ANI: No. He’s just going to command the rain to start.
UNI: Clever fellow. I suppose that this God-guy doesn’t have a last name either.
ANI: Nope. Not that I know about.
UNI: So what’s God got to do with Noah?
ANI: God is the one who talks to Noah. Says he’s gonna rain down on his Jewish ass.
UNI: What is he, a Mafioso or something?
ANI: I don’t know.
UNI: Quit saying “I don’t know,” damn it!
ANI: Well, I don’t know. Maybe he is in the mafia, but I get the idea that he’s sorta the don of all dons, kingpin of all kingpins. The big cheese in the sky.
UNI: So what’s he so pissed off at this Noah-dude about?
ANI: No, you don’t get it. God seems to like Noah, and he’s warnin’ him about the upcoming shit.
UNI: Uh—hunh. So, what’d he tell ‘im? Get outta town?
ANI: Nope. No place to go.
UNI: Whattya mean?
ANI: This God-guy is so honked off, that he’s gonna drown the whole world like rats in a barrel.
UNI: Uh-hunh. Are you sure some funny mold didn’t get in your oats?
ANI: I don’t—as you darn-well know—eat oats. And I’m a little tired of you implying that I’m a horse.
UNI: You’re the one who implied that I got a horse’s ass.
ANI: Well, quit acting like one.
UNI: All right. Let’s take it on face value that this God-dude told this Noah-dude that the world is toast--
ANI: —He said that a massive flood is coming--
UNI: —Okay, soggy toast! But if there ain’t no place to go, what’s he supposed to do about it, climb a tree?
ANI: God told him to build an ark. It’s like a big boat.
UNI: A boat? That’s one Hell of a thunderstorm. Why not just buy a boat?
ANI: No, this is a really big boat. Hundreds of cubits long.
UNI: Cubits? What the heck is a cubit?
ANI: How should I know? But it sounds big.
UNI: So, he’s gonna float out this soggy catastrophe.
ANI: Yeah, him and his family.
UNI: Oh, how sweet. Dad, mom and the three midgets.
ANI: Quit being sarcastic!
UNI: So what does this have to do with us?
ANI: Well—you’re not gonna like this--
UNI: —Lay it on me.
ANI: God told him that he’s gotta collect two of every animal, male and female, so the world can start over.
UNI: Loco weed. It’s gotta be loco weed.
ANI: Now you stop that! You promised!
UNI: This God-dude apparently never heard of inbreeding. Then what’s gonna happen?
ANI: After he collects them—the rain starts and then the flood and then they just float it out.
UNI: Why doesn’t this Noah-dude just high-tail it for the hills until things chill out?
ANI: You keep missing the point—God is drownin’ out everything. I mean everything! The forest, the jungles, the desert and the mountains. No place to go.
UNI: That's a lot of water. How long is it going to rain, for cryin’ out loud?
ANI: Forty days and forty nights.
UNI: Big frickin’ deal. It will rain that much in Seattle every winter when it gets built.
ANI: Anyhow, that’s the vision. Forty days and forty nights. Must be some kick-ass rainstorm.
UNI: Got that right. So, one thing I don’t get, how are the penguins, polar bears and kangaroos gonna get on this boat?
ANI: I don’t know. Maybe they’re gonna swim, or take a little boat, or something.
UNI: And we ain’t got a boat.
UNI: So, how’s this Noah gonna feed all these animals? Do you know how much elephants eat? Not to mention zebras, rhinos, tyrannosauruses, allosaurases and hippos.
ANI: Maybe they’ll just not eat for month.
UNI: Well, good luck keeping the mice and the antelopes on the same boat with the snakes and the lions. I, to put it mildly, predict problems.
(Enter BENNIE and BARNIE, paddling a raft.)
ANI: Hey look! A couple of brontosauruses on a raft!
UNI: Maybe they’ll give us a ride. Hey dudes! Ya got room for a couple of passengers?!
BENNIE: No. Buzz off!
BARNIE: Oh Benny, don’t be that way. Be civil. They might be nice unicorns.
BENNIE: Where are we going to put them? We don’t have the room.
BARNIE: Oh, there’s always room for one more.
BENNIE: There’s two of them.
BARNIE: We fit the kangaroos didn’t we?
BENNIE: Little bastards wouldn’t quit hopping all over the raft. Pain in the ass. Unicorns are too big, won’t fit anyway.
BARNIE: Yoo-hoo, unicorns. Where are you going?
BENNIE: You’re irrepressible, aren’t you?
ANI: We’re going to the Middle East. Can you give us a ride?
BARNIE: Middle East? Where’s that?
UNI: It’s between the near-east and the far-east. Where do you think?
BENNY: Smart ass. We ain’t giving no ride to smart-ass unicorns.
BARNIE: A little tolerance, please, Benny.
ANI: We’re looking for a guy named Noah.
BARNIE: Well, what a remarkable coincidence. We just met a guy named Noah. Didn’t go well, though.
UNI: I’ll be darned. He does exist!
ANI: Of course he does. Why didn’t it go well?
BENNY: Did you see the weather prediction? Rain. Gloom. Misery as far as the eye can see.
ANI: We’re unicorns. We know all about the future. What’s the deal with Noah?
BARNIE: This Noah built a big boat.
BENNY: Calls it an ark, for some stupid reason.
BARNIE: Sort of a big ferry-thing.
UNI: Yeah. Yeah. We know. Can you give a ride to the launch site?
BENNY: We’re going the other way. We don’t ever want to see Noah again.
ANI: What happened? He didn’t have room for you?
BENNY: He had plenty of room, the rat-bastard.
UNI: So what was the problem?
BENNY: He just crossed his arms, glared at us, and said: No faggots.
BARNIE: Can you believe it? I did my best to reason with him. I tried to explain to him that all dinosaurs go through a homosexual phase. He wouldn’t buy it. He said some guy named God told him: No gays. Not even bisexuals.
BENNIE: There’s just no reasoning with some people.
ANI: He must be what’s going to be known as a Republican.
UNI: Oh Ani, Not all Republicans will be bigots.
ANI: Well, it seems like it.
BARNIE: What’s a Republican?
ANI: They’re a bunch of guys in the future that are going to start wars over what remains of your dead bodies.
BENNIE: Insane unicorns. Great. I hate my life.
UNI: Maybe this needs a little explanation. Unicorns have the ability to see the future.
BARNIE: Really! Oh, that’s really cool!
ANI: We can both do it, but it’s more developed in female unicorns than males. It seems that female intuition synergizes with our ability to see visions.
UNI: And, believe me, they never let us forget their superior vision.
BENNIE: I know how you feel. I suffer too.
ANI: That’s what these horns are for. See how they’re pointed up and out.
UNI: They’re like antennae pointed into the future.
BARNIE: Wow, what an amazing gift! I wish I could see the future.
BENNIE: The present is challenging enough, thank you.
ANI: Sometimes the reception ain’t so great though.
UNI: Lots of static. Lots of interference.
ANI: But sometimes it’s as clear as can be.
UNI: Remember Ari? He damaged his horn and all he could see in the future was world peace, the end of poverty and disease and, believe it or not, zero- calorie chocolate that actually tasted good.
ANI: Yeah. It was a shame. Talk about a warped vision. Totally delusional. Poor guy. Remember Ori? Lost his horn in an accident. Lost all his vision. His mind went out the window and he reverted to the most base behavior.
UNI: Eating oats.
ANI: Whinnying like a horse.
UNI: Completely lost it.
BARNIE: That’s terrible.
ANI: So Noah would absolutely not listen to reason?
BENNIE: After Barnie explained it to him, catch this, he banned all dinosaurs—not just us—everybody!
BARNIE: He had to explain it to the stegosauruses three times—they’re kinda slow, you know.
BENNIE: What do you expect, with a brain the size of a walnut?
BARNIE: One of the T-Rex’s threatened to EAT Noah! It still didn’t work.
ANI: Boy, that God-dude is a real hard-ass.
BARNIE: Yep. He really laid down the law.
UNI: What are you going to do now?
BARNIE: We’re going to paddle home. What else can we do?
BENNIE: So what do you see in our future? Bleak, I’ll bet.
UNI: I don’t see a thing.
ANI: I’m not sure. Kind of confusing. All I see is a shooting star, a big meteor and a lot of little furry creatures eating eggs.
BENNIE: What’s that supposed to mean?
ANI: I don’t know.
BENNIE: Well, we better get running along. Or, I guess, paddling along. If you do get to Noah, tell the bigot to kiss my tail. This the worst trip ever.
BARNIE: At least we met some nice unicorns. Good luck you two!
BENNIE: I hate life.
BARNIE: And the scenery on the way was beautiful.
BENNIE: I sure hope this raft doesn't sink.
BARNIE: It won’t sink.
BENNIE: Are we running low on food and water?
BARNIE: We have plenty. Quit being so grouchy.
BENNIE: I have a bad feeling about this.
BARNIE: You always have a bad feeling about everything.
BENNIE: Today it is particularly acute. I’m so miserable, I feel like I could crawl into a tar pit and die.
BARNIE: I’m never going on a vacation with you again. You’re just too miserable when you travel.
ANI: And good luck to you too!
BARNIE: Thanks! Bye!
(BENNIE and BARNIE exit)
UNI: Well, there they go. What do we do now?
ANI: Maybe another boat will come along going the other way.
UNI: Fat chance.
ANI: Quit being negative. You remind me of that cranky brontosaurus.
UNI: I’m not negative. I’m realistic.
ANI: Pessimists always say they’re just being “realistic.” I bet you don’t think I’m crazy anymore.
UNI: No, I don’t. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just frustrated. That’s all and I’m getting a little tired of you always correcting me.
ANI: Well, I wouldn’t have to if you weren’t wrong so often. If it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t have even started this trip. You’d be sitting in a field, chewing your cud, waiting for the flood to come.
UNI: Oh, so now we’re resorting to personal insults.
(It begins to rain.)
ANI: And I am sick and tired of going over the same story over and over and over again. You never listen to me anyhow. You’re as stupid as Ori.
(It rains a little harder.)
UNI: Now you’ve gone completely off your feed, you old nag!
ANI: Who are you calling an old nag, you, you, STUD! And another thing--
(A thunderbolt claps. Both go silent.)
UNI: I don’t like the look of this.
ANI: Doesn't look good—does it?
UNI: Yep…This is not a little thundershower is it?
(A large thunderclap strikes.)
UNI: I love you Ani.
ANI: I know you do.
UNI: That’s not the response I’m supposed to get.
ANI: Raining pretty hard, huh?
UNI: Any more ideas?
ANI: Nope…I love you too, Uni
UNI: I know you do.
(The stage goes dark. A very bright flash of lightning is followed by very loud thunder.)
UNI: Yeah, shit.