Category: Theater

The Great White Mouth--a Political Stump Speech For Best Animal on the Planet

12/31/2015

THE GREAT WHITE MOUTH
I like to cruise. Back and forth, looking left, then right. It’s great to be the most badass fish in the ocean. That’s me. Look at ‘em scatter! I can eat anything! The Universe is my bitch! What does not kill me, makes me stronger. And NOTHING kills me. All those limp-finned wimps out there can suck on my dorsal. I’m a shark among minnows! I go back 400 million years. Longer than the dinosaurs. BETTER than the dinosaurs! Like those pussy Tyrannosaurus Rex—with their pussy seal-baby arms. (Waving his arms.) “Look at me! I’m a little dino-pussy!”

I hear the dino-dicks got killed by little-shit mammals that ate their eggs. I’m not surprised. Wimps. What they needed to do was build a big fence and keep those little bastards out. If they did that, they wouldn’t have any problems. That’s what I am—a problem solver. I drive a hard bargain, and I back it up with some teeth!

So, if you wanna be part of this, and make Earth the best planet in the Galaxy, you’re gonna vote for me for top animal. Be a part of a winner! Thank you. Better yet, you should thank me.

1 Comment

WATCH IT! a Christmas Sketch for Skeptics

12/18/2015

2 Comments

WATCH IT
by Scot Bastian

ELFIE
(Singing in italics)
You better watch out
You better not cry--

SAM
—Wait! Wait! What’s wrong with crying? I mean, just ‘cause I’m male doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings too!

ELFIE
It’s just a song. The idea is you’re supposed to be happy.

SAM
I resent being told how I should feel. My feelings are my own.

ELFIE
Lemme start over.
You better watch out--

SAM
—What am I watching out for anyway?

ELFIE
Hold on, you’ll find out later in the song.
You better watch out.
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why--

SAM
—You’re awful pedantic, aren’t you?

ELFIE
(deep sigh)
Santa Claus is coming to town--

SAM
—Yeah, so what?

ELFIE
He knows when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake--

SAM
—Jesus! This guy have a camera in my bedroom? What a creep!

ELFIE
He knows when you been bad or good.
So be good for goodness sake.

SAM
Who the fuck does he think he is? Why is he the ultimate judge of bad and good? Sheesh!

ELFIE
Santa Claus is coming
Santa Claus is coming
Santa Claus is coming--

SAM
—Well, tell him to come already, I’m sick and tired of the foreplay!

ELFIE
Santa Claus is coming to town!

SAM
Sounds more intrusive than the NSA!

ELFIE
You really, don’t get the Christmas spirit, do you?

SAM
I’m gonna buy me a gun. I need protection from this guy.

ELFIE
Merry Christmas.

2 Comments

Waiting For Boa--the Video!

5/22/2015

2 Comments

Finally! My short play, "Waiting For Boa" which was part of the showcase of plays from in the Writer's and Actors Reading and Performing (WARP) show "WARP Springs a Gnu" in May 2014, is available on video. The play, which was directed by John Paul Sharp and Jason Dooley, starred Brendan Mack and Julian Garcia as the rats Elmo and Ben, Joshua Moore as the snake and Beatrix Turner-Rodriguez as the hand and voice. The video was shot by Stacy Kwimm. Special thanks to Jeff Weedman for loading it up on Youtube.
As described previously on this blog, the comedy was based on a true story. Several years ago I visited my cousin and her young son owned a caged boa constrictor. Next to the cage was another cage containing Snakie's prospective dinner--a couple of caged rats. What were the rats thinking? What was Snakie thinking? Watch the video below and find out. Below the video are some pics taken by Carl Nelson of the first performances.
A special thanks to everyone involved in this production. I love this play and thought everyone did a spectacular job.

2 Comments

Lack of Life Valley--A Skeptical Sketch

5/18/2015

2 Comments

I am very proud of the production of my short play "Lack of Life Valley," which was part of a showcase of plays produced by Writers and Actors Reading and Performing (WARP). The WARP show, entitled Playwright Under Pressure, was produced by Ellen Covey. The play was directed by Justin Ordonez and starred Justin Ordonez, as the tall vulture, Jeff Weedman, as the short vulture, and Ashley Salazar, as the bunny. All of them did a great job. Below are a couple of still photos from the production, and below that is a video. Enjoy.

2 Comments

Tortured By Voices In Your Feet? Skeptical?

11/4/2014

1 Comment

Ah, the joys of theater! I recently wrote a short play that was performed as part of a showcase entitled "New Blood" by the amazing folks at Writers and Actors Reading and Performing (WARP) which I've been a part of for several years now. The showcase was produced by Ellen Covey and videographed by Jeff Weedman. My play, entitled "Fungal Attraction," was capably directed by John Paul Sharp and Mary E. Brown, starring Laurel Clark as Hedley, Bigby Dommage as Dex, as Jesse Buckley as Lefty. The play asks the hypothetical question: What if you didn't have voices in your head? What if they were in your feet? And, what if the feet didn't like each other? Enjoy.

By the way, my collection of short plays is still available from Amazon as either a Kindle E-Book or a paperback. Check out this link to check it out.

1 Comment

This Week in Mating Dances

10/14/2014

0 Comments

Play them all at once for a surreal experience.

0 Comments

Breaking Bad Puns

7/9/2014

0 Comments

TV Pilot for the Hallmark Channel: A drug lord swears off his criminal past to volunteer to teach inner-city disadvantaged kids how to read. The name of the the show? "Breaking Good." (Sorry, had to type it.)

TV pilot for the Cooking Channel: Mild-mannered high school teacher quits his job to "cook" highly-addictive GMO-laden, gluten-containing bread. Second season preview: Dave's Killer Bread muscles in on his territory, leading to an ever-increasing spiral of violence The problem is GMO foods and gluten are found to be harmless. Nobody dies. Canceled after first season due to the absence of drama. The name of the show? "Baking Bad." (You may unfriend me now.)

TV pilot for Animal Planet: A disgruntled dog leaves obedience school and teams up with an unlikely partner, a streetwise punk known as Hepcat to extract and sell 99% pure catnip crystal, noted for its slightly green tinge. The cat population becomes so addicted they entirely stop making videos, thus threatening to bring the Internet to a screeching halt. A pack of rival dogs moves in on the action. Hepcat, hopelessly addicted to crystal catnip, is no help in repelling the turf invasion, forcing Head Dog to take matters into his own paws. After several fruitless days of marking territory Head Dog contracts rabies followed by a maniacal slaughter of the invading pack. Alas, Head Dog, foaming at the mouth, expires due to a combination of inflicted wounds and disease. Hepcat disappears into the night, nowhere to be found. The name of the show: "Barking Bad." (Are you still there?)

TV pilot for Arts and Entertainment: Mild-mannered high school chemistry teacher quits to become a rogue poet and playwright, feeding the masses what they really crave: addictive quality entertainment. Alas and alack, much to his surprise, his sonnets and plays (all in diabolically tempting iamabic pentameter) prove to be irresistible to intellectuals everywhere, threatening to crater the entirety of academia. The rogue, shadowy, figure, known by the street pseudonym Heisenspeare, now in full control of the public mind, segues into the truly addictive and banal reprogramming: Pawn Stars. Duck Dynasty, Bigfoot Hunters, The Long Island Medium, The Dr Oz Show. Millions are transfixed, and drift into brainwashed catatonia. PBS attempts to mount a counteroffensive, but lacking in funds, all they can do to repel the attack is broadcast thinly-disguised infomercials, Yanni concerts, and "Lords of the Dance" reruns. Several Downton Abbey actors resign in protest and have to be "eliminated." Heisenspeare, now a media kingpin, feeling the walls closing in, screams "My kingdom for a horse!" and "To be, or not to be!" It ends with Heisenspeare, killing himself with a self-inflicted knife wound. His last words: "Remember my name." The name of the show? "Breaking Bard" (You really want to remove this blog from your bookmark list now, don't you?)

I have at least ten more of these. Hang on a second, there are a couple of guys ringing my doorbell. They're wearing white coats. I wonder what they want. I'll be back in a minute.

0 Comments

Podcast of "A Skeptic Looks at ELEPHANTS!" AKA Pontification from a "Shill For the Criminal Elite"

6/29/2014

1 Comment

Hi-Ho skeptoids! The recording of a lecture that I gave I gave a couple weeks ago to a Seattle Skeptics Dinner is available. The major topic was elephants, and a blogged about this a few days ago, and included links to some of the sources and videos which were shown at the dinner.
But before the main presentation, I discussed a few other topics related to skepticism. Let me say first that, particularly in the beginning this talk, was really more of a conversation than a lecture. Here is a link to the recording, if you want to check it out.
So, while you're listening to the recording, I thought I'd clarify a couple of my statements and offer a couple of corrections.
at 1:50
Here is the link for "Friday night at the Meaningful Movies," in Seattle.
at 2:15
The film was called "How to Make Money Selling Drugs." Here is the trailer:

at 2:20
Here is a link for Law Enforcement Against Prohibition.
at 6:00
Take 'im off the shelf, should have been "Talk 'im off the ledge."
Below is a link to part 1 a video of the "Best of Sam Harris," I admire the clarity and calm demeanor with which he delivers his arguments.

at 6:26
The Unpersuadables (The full title is The Unpersuadables: Adventures with the Enemies of Science) by Will Storr can be purchased from from Amazon at this link.

at 9:37
Boy, I really garbled this one. What I was trying to say is that in an unbiased test that you will get false positives or false negatives, simply because of statistical probability. An example is that if you flip a coin five times in a row, there is a statistical possibility that you will get five heads in a row. Actually, the exact probability, in a fair coin, of getting "heads" is 1 in 2X2X2X2X2 trials--or only once in 32 groups of 5 coin tosses--a pretty unlikely event. The way to obviate this is to increase the sample size. For example, if you toss a fair coin 6 times in a row the probability shrinks to once in 64 tosses. So, applying this to the highly-selected homeopathic studies, the higher the sample size, the less significant the data were. My statement that "for a percentage of the time you would expect your data to not support your hypothesis" was erroneous, very sloppy, logic. What I was trying to say is that "for a percentage of the time, you would expect your data to not support the UNDERLYING REALITY--just like the coin tosses. Sorry about that. I'll try and be more accurate next time. BTW, here is a link to the definition of type I and type II statistical errors if you want to learn more.
At 10:30
Here is the text of the quote from Will Storr's book:

Stories work against truth. They operate with the machinery of prejudice and distortion. Their purpose is not fact but propaganda. The scientific method is the tool that humans have developed to break the dominion of the narrative. It has been designed specifically to dissolve anecdote, to strip out emotion and leave only unpolluted data. It is a new kind of language, a modern sorcery, and it has gifted our species incredible powers. We can eradicate plagues, extend our lives by decades, build rockets and fly through space. But we can hardly be surprised if some feel an instinctive hostility towards it, for it is fundamentally inhuman.

At 16:20
Here is the short "preview" of an epigenetics lecture that I might give in the future:

At 21:50
The discussion was a little hard to hear, but what it was about was a comparison between Lamarckism and epigenetic change. If you're interested, here is a link that explains the differences.
At 23:58
The discussion was about the limits of scientific "proof." Actually, science doesn't really "prove" anything, it just leads to increasing liklihood of identifying truth. Here is a good video from Qualia that explains this concept clearly.

At 25:21
Here is a link to Phil Plait's arguments against the idea that the Apollo Program was a hoax.
At 25:35
This is where the actual talk about elephants began. For links related to this I refer you to my previous blog post. And, as I made clear in the audio, I don't know a dang thing about elephants. I am in no way am I an expert. So, feel free to disagree with everything I say.
In fact, feel free to disagree with anything I say EVER! What do I know? Do ya think?

1 Comment

How Do You Face the Prospect of Oblivion? Ask a Rat.

5/12/2014

2 Comments

I'm delighted with the performance of my short comedic play "Waiting For Boa" in the Writer's and Actors Reading and Performing (WARP) showcase of plays "WARP Springs a Gnu." which just completed half it's run at the Seattle Center Theater 4. My play which was directed by John Paul Sharp and Jason Dooley, and stars Brendan Mack and Julian Garcia as the rats Elmo and Ben, Joshua Moore as the snake and Beatrix Turner-Rodriguez as the hand and voice.
This was based on a true story. Several years ago I visited my cousin and her young son owned a caged boa constrictor. Next to the cage was another cage containing Snakie's prospective dinner--a couple of caged rats. What were the rats thinking? What was Snakie thinking? There are two performances left. If you live anywhere near Seattle, you might want to check out one of the two remaining performances on Saturday May 17th at 8Pm or the final show Sunday May 18th, a matinee at 2PM. Here is a link to more ticketing info.
Below are some pics taken by Carl Nelson of the first performances.

2 Comments

The Lighter Side of Skepticism: What Happens When an Unstoppable Chicken Meets an Impenetrable Duck?

3/27/2014

1 Comment

Previously, I posted a video of my short play "Missing the Boat," a play about two unicorns trying to hitch a ride to get to Noah's Ark. Last fall I had another of my short plays performed in a community theater production as part of a showcase of shorts called the "Winter Winds of WARP," produced by Writers and Actors Reading and Performing (WARP). The below video was shot by Stacy Kwinn and edited by Jeff Weedman. The play was directed by Carl Nelson with Wendy Cohen as the Chicken and Wanda Moats as the Duck. Thanks to all involved.

And, just to give you a heads-up I will have another short, unpublished, play called "Waiting For Boa" performed in the upcoming WARP Spring showcase--but more about that later.
Below is the text of "the Other Side," although there are some differences between the text and the video above. This play has not been published yet, but if you would like to check out my published collection "Do Ya Think? Science, Science Fiction, and Skepticism" it is available for Amazon as either a Kindle E-Book or a paperback at this link.

THE OTHER SIDE

(c) 2013 by Scot Bastian

[A duck is standing in the middle of the road. She is approached by a chicken.]

DUCK
Aren't you embarrassed?

CHICKEN
By what? Get out of the way. I'm trying to--

DUCK
—cross the road. I know. Everybody knows that.

CHICKEN
I said, get out of the way!

DUCK
I will not move! It is my moral obligation to prevent you from making a joke of yourself. So, you just turn around and go back.

CHICKEN
Listen, it may be your “moral obligation,” as you call it, to get in my way. But it is my moral imperative to “get to the other side.” Now let me pass dammit!

DUCK
Nope. Ain't gonna happen.

CHICKEN
What difference does it make to you?

DUCK
I cannot stand idly by and allow someone, even a chicken, to harm herself. I wouldn't be able to sleep. It's like giving someone a gun so that he can kill herself. Like passive euthanasia! To allow such a travesty would be a monstrous breach of ethics. You will not pass!

CHICKEN
You're one pretentious windbag of a duck. I can fight fire with fire. I must fulfill my existential destiny! I need to get to the other side!

DUCK
Oh gawd, and I'm pretentious? And thus you become the butt of jokes—bad jokes—for the rest of eternity.

CHICKEN
I'm not a joke. I'm a philosophical paradigm. Now let me go!

DUCK
You are not a paradigm. You are a chicken. And why is it that when they do survey after survey that the outcome is always the same: us ducks are always ranked as the funniest animals, but you guys always get all the philosophical constructs. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Nobody ever says the duck or the egg? Do they? Well, do they?

CHICKEN
No, they don't. So which would you rather be, funny or profound?

DUCK
Well you’re both, aren’t you?

CHICKEN
Yes I am. And I’m trying to complete a joke right now, but you won’t let me.

DUCK
Oh no, you don’t. It’s not just a joke, it’s a philosophical construct. It’s a raison d’etre, a reason “to be.” And you can’t hog up both the jokes and the profound allegories.

CHICKEN
What? It’s a fucking joke, not a philosophy.

DUCK
Yeah, and the Myth of Sisyphus is just some guy pushing a rock, right? Here’s another, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

CHICKEN
What about it?

DUCK
Drives me nuts! We lay eggs too, you know. You think we don’t hatch? It’s a metaphor for patience. What do we get? A duck walks into a bar—yadda, yadda—Fill in the blanks. We’re just a joke, you they take seriously. What gives? If jokes are going to be my balliwick, then I get the jokes. You can’t be funny and profound. That’s when I decided to take a stand. You’re crossing this road over my dead body.

CHICKEN
(Tapping her foot and thinking.) Maybe, just maybe, I can expand this into an important philosophical precept. You want a piece of it?

DUCK
How?

CHICKEN
You mentioned Sisyphus. What does that myth illustrate?

DUCK
Simple. The Gods condemned Sisyphus to an eternity of frustration, pushing a rock to the top of a mountain, only to have it roll down again, asking the question, how, when faced with the brutalities of a seemingly meaningless existence, can one find meaning?

CHICKEN
Right! Dead on! You got it!

DUCK
What the hell does this have to do with chickens and ducks?

CHICKEN
Let’s think about it. Right now I’m trying to get to the other side, right?

DUCK
And I will not let you pass.

CHICKEN
A profound philosophical model for what happens when an unstoppable force encounters an immovable barrier. What do you think happens?

DUCK
An explosion?

CHICKEN
Is it? Or is it stasis? Or, does each action result in an equal and opposite reaction?

DUCK
Holy shit! We’re demonstrating Newton’s Laws?

CHICKEN
Inertia! Mass! Energy! The whole nine yards! DUCK
An unstoppable chicken meets an impenetrable duck. Gosh, I feel so, I feel so profound.

CHICKEN
There you go. Congratulations.

DUCK
Sounds more like physics than philosophy.

CHICKEN
It’s both!

DUCK
I’m not a joke anymore. I feel lighter than feathers. I feel like I could fly.

CHICKEN
You can fly. Nothing transcendent there. Not that I can do it, but I get the concept. Now, sorry about this, but I got to get to the other side now.

DUCK
But what about our paradigm?

CHICKEN
Not buying it, huh? Okay. Scratch that philosophical construct. Let’s try another on for size. Here we are, in the middle of the road, at the crossroad of existence. In purgatory! And you, you are Charon, the ferryman--

DUCK
But I’m a duck!

CHICKEN
Okay, have it your way. You’re Quackon, the ferryduck, here to collect the fee to escort me across the river Styx to the other side.

DUCK
I am?

CHICKEN
yes.

DUCK
I thought it was a road.

CHICKEN
Work with me here. Doesn’t it make more sense for a duck to be in a river anyhow?

DUCK
I guess so.

CHICKEN
But chickens don’t swim.

DUCK
True.

CHICKEN
Right! You’re in purgatory. So, I need you to get to the other side, And you must exact payment. I must pay the ferryduck for the transition to the netherworld, for nothing, nothing! is free. For every rite of passage, a price must be paid. Even death extracts a price.

DUCK
No wonder you guys get all the aphorisms and philosophy. You’re so fucking melodramatic all the time. Everything you say reminds me of an ancient Greek tragedy.

CHICKEN
And so Quackon escorts the proud hen from the world of the living to the dark, unknown province of the hereafter.

DUCK
Aren’t you supposed to pay me first?

CHICKEN
I have paid you. I have enriched your being by making you a part of yet another philosophy. You have, yet again, been immortalized.

DUCK
Okay, I’ll take it. I’ll get you to the other side.

[The duck poles the imaginary boat with the chicken passenger to the other side of the stage.]

CHICKEN
Take me, proud ferryduck to the undiscovered country of the soul.

[The chicken leaves the boat for the shore.]

Thank you, my friend, and congratulations! You will now be memorialized in the philosophical hall of fame. Ever will you be the immovable duck in the road and the symbolic ferryduck, transferring the souls to the great beyond.

DUCK
Well, thanks. But, well, I still have a nit to pick.

CHICKEN
A nit?

DUCK
Yeah, why do I have to be your co-star? I mean, yeah, I’m the unmovable duck, but you’re the unstoppable chicken. And, yeah, I’m the ferryduck, but you’re the one getting the ride. Can’t I have my own philosophical model? What I’m saying is I’m tired of being your bitch! I want a solo act. I want top billing for a change. I still feel like just a joke! I want my own paradigm, dammit! How about it?

CHICKEN
(Taps her feet, thinking.) As you wish. There stands the proud duck, alone, in the middle of the road of life.

DUCK
Now that’s more like it.

CHICKEN
Facing the imponderables. Confused. Isolated. Lonely. The duck lives his life, facing the existential void, facing it courage, pride, and humor.

DUCK
Humor? Don’t you be turning this into a joke now.

CHICKEN
And yet, there is a deep-seated sense of humility and awe, at the singularity of being, admixed with the totality of reality. Stranded on the highway of eternity.

DUCK
We’re back on the road?

CHICKEN
Hovering like a fly on the freeway… DUCK
I’m a duck, not a fly!

CHICKEN
…and as she turns to look down the tunnel of time, what does she see? Fate! The headlights of ultimate reality shining at her.

[A light turns on]

DUCK
The what?

[Truck noises]

CHICKEN
Bearing down upon her, she stands to face the oncoming, brutal, force of unstoppable reality. Like a fly, waiting for the windshield of unstoppable destiny.

[Louder truck noises]

DUCK
That truck doesn’t look like it’s slowing down. Get me out of this road!

CHICKEN
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to bear the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

DUCK
I’ll take the slings and arrows, just stop that truck!

CHICKEN
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them!

DUCK
Can’t we do a different--

CHICKEN
—To dream no more. To sleep.

DUCK
To be or not to be!

[The truck runs over the duck.]

CHICKEN
Congratulations. You now have a lead role in your own idiomatic expression. You, my friend, are a “dead duck.”

DUCK
You bastard.

[The duck dies]

CHICKEN
What a joke.

[The chicken smirks, shrugs, and leaves the stage.]

END PLAY

1 Comment

<<Previous

The Great White Mouth--a Political Stump Speech For Best Animal on the Planet

WATCH IT! a Christmas Sketch for Skeptics

Waiting For Boa--the Video!

Lack of Life Valley--A Skeptical Sketch

Tortured By Voices In Your Feet? Skeptical?

This Week in Mating Dances

Breaking Bad Puns

Podcast of "A Skeptic Looks at ELEPHANTS!" AKA Pontification from a "Shill For the Criminal Elite"

How Do You Face the Prospect of Oblivion? Ask a Rat.

The Lighter Side of Skepticism: What Happens When an Unstoppable Chicken Meets an Impenetrable Duck?

Author

Archives

Categories